I feel invisible since becoming a mum – I just want to be seen and heard.

I’ve heard this time and time again in my conversations with mums.

When you become a mum it can feel like you’re invisible.

‘The invisibility of motherhood is there when she brings her baby home, swollen, sore, exhausted and is expected to get on with it. When everyone asks ‘how’s the baby’ but rarely ‘ how are you?’

The invisibility of motherhood is when we minimise her need for recovery, rest, nourishment and support, instead expecting her to be a good host and to bounce back.

The invisibility of motherhood tells a woman she’s ‘a mum now’ and that’s what’s most important, minimising all that she is, all who she is, to one title, one identity – a mum.

The invisibility of motherhood is being expected to work like you don’t have children and mother like you don’t have a job.

This is an excerpt from a piece I wrote on the invisibility of motherhood – you can read the full blog here.

Since writing this, I have had women reaching out telling me how much they resonate with these words. They’ve felt relief that someone ‘gets it’, they’ve felt relief in the realisation that they’re not alone in feeling the invisibility of motherhood.

And the question always comes – so what can I do about it? Is there a way to feel less invisible as a mum?

How to feel less invisible as a mum

If you’ve experienced the invisibilty of motherhood and you’re ready to feel seen and heard again, here’s  how you can get started.

1. Reflect on why you feel invisible in motherhood

One of the first things I work through with my coaching clients is gaining clarity on where in life they feel invisible and what they wish was different.

Spend time to reflect on what specifically is making you feel invisible in motherhood.  For example, do you feel like your needs are invisible? Do you feel like all your time and energy goes on the kids and you’ve forgotten yourself in the process? Do you feel like you are invisible in your relationships with others? Grab a piece of paper and a pen and start listing each area as a different heading – we’re going to use this in the next step.

By getting clear on where you feel invisible it can give you insight into what needs to change to help you feel seen and heard again.

2. Consider what needs to change

Now that you know why you feel invisible as a mum and the areas of your life you feel the most invisible, it’s time to look to what needs to change.

Under each heading, list what needs to change.

If you feel your needs have become invisible, spend the time to write down what it is you actually need and want – not what you think you should want but what you actually want.

If you feel like you’ve become invisible in your relationships, what would make you feel visible again? Would it be spending time with your partner – without the kids? Catching up with friends without it being a playdate?

If you feel like there’s parts of yourself and your life that have become invisible since having kids, reflect on what they are and which parts you would most like to bring back.

3. Take action

Knowing why you feel invisible and what needs to change is one thing. Doing something about it is another – yet it’s this final step where the magic happens. It’s taking action that will help you to step out of the invisibility of motherhood.

Back to your paper – under each header write out 1 – 3 actions that you can take that will help you feel seen and heard.

For example, if you feel like you don’t have anytime to yourself and your self-care needs have become invisible, one action could be arranging with your partner to have dedicated time each week that is just for you.

If you’re feeling invisible in your relationships, one action could be calling a friend and setting up a ‘no-kid’ coffee date or simply picking up the phone and having a chat.

If you feel like ‘the old you’ has become invisible since becoming a mum, one action could be to reflect back on what you most miss from your old-life and find a way to bring that back – even if it looks a little different these days!

Taking action can be one of the hardest parts of stepping out of the invisibility of motherhood – especially if we have stories that are keeping us stuck. Having support can make things easier. If you’re feeling stuck in the invisibility, having a coach or mentor on your side can help you moving forward – without the mum-guilt.

It’s time to step out of the invisibility of motherhood

If you’ve felt the invisibility of motherhood, you’re not alone. It’s a common experience. But a common experience doesn’t mean it has to keep being YOUR experience. It’s time to step out of the invisiblity of motherhood. Your deserve it.

Kate Vivian is an intuitive life, mindset and mastrescence coach, and mum of three, supporting mothers on the (life-changing) journey through motherhood. A Mama Rising Facilitator, Motherhood studies practitioner, and recovering ‘good girl’ Kate is on a mission to help women rewrite the rulebook on what it means to show up in the world as a woman and a mother – and more importantly, as themselves.

Kate creates a space for women where they can feel safe to take risks, to dream big and to show up as authentically them. No BS required. A space where women can reclaim their innate worth, reconnect with themselves and reimagine their lives,

When Kate’s not supporting mums or mums-to-be, you’ll probably find her drooling over recipes she never has time to cook, chucking weights around at the gym or chowing down on some chocolate (because it’s all about balance – right??).