With everything from stay-cations to doing the grocery shopping by yourself, conversations around self-care for mums seem to be popping up everywhere. Self-care for busy mums even more so. 

Don’t get me wrong – I’m all for self-care. And as a busy mum-of-three, I’m a huge advocate for it. But I don’t think self-care has to equal fancy products, stay-cations or a trip to the day-spa. In fact, if that’s the standard we have to try and live up to just to meet the basics of self-care then all it is doing is adding to our to-do lists, our stress levels and inevitably our guilt when it doesn’t happen.

On the flip-side,  it also doesn’t have to only mean going to the toilet on your own or hitting the grocery shops with no kids in tow – unless you actually feel like this is providing you with rest and replenishment. In that case – get at it!

What’s missing from the conversations around self-care are some of the basics – finding ways to meet our emotional needs not just the physical ones.

This is self-care for busy mums we should be talking about.

The self-care for busy mums we should be talking about (no stay-cations required).

1. Self compassion

Think about how you talk to your best friend or your children – particularly when they’re struggling, when they’re exhausted or when they’re feeling inadequate or ‘not enough’ in some way.  Do you (usually) have kind words? Do you (usually) show them compassion?

Now think about how you talk to yourself when you’re struggling, exhausted or feeling inadequate. How does the language differ?

You are just as worthy of the same compassion and kindness that you show your best friend or your children.

Unlike the types of activities we usually associate with self-care – such as taking a class or hanging out with a friend, you can show yourself compassion anytime. Even when caring for others.

Next time you find your inner critic pointing out all your flaws, telling you that you should be doing more or telling you that you’re not enough, hit pause on those thoughts. Observe them – without judgement and reframe them (without going to the opposite extreme which can feel fake or unrealistic). 

2. Understanding your innate worth

Without understanding that you are worthy of self-care, things we often associate with self care – for example a day-spa, massage, taking time out, can leave us feeling guilty. Self-care isn’t self-care if you spend the entire time feeling guilty about it or worrying about all the other things you should be doing instead of doing something for yourself.

By understanding that we are innately worthy of looking after ourselves (not just others), self care can become a part of our rhythm – not something that gets neglected or we feel guilty about.

You are just as worthy of having your needs met as anyone else.  

If this is an idea you truly struggle with, another way to approach it is by asking yourself ‘what do I want my kids to learn?’ What do you want your children to learn about self-care and having their needs met? What do your children to learn about slowing down and resting? That it’s linked to their worthiness as a person? Or that they are worthy of rest and replenishment regardless?

3. Boundaries

Boundaries help us take care of ourselves by giving us permission to say NO to things, to not take everything on. Boundaries draw a clear line around what is ok for us and what is not

Healthy boundaries are necessary components for self-care. Without boundaries, we feel depleted, taken advantage of, taken for granted, or intruded upon. If you’re finding yourself feeling angry or resentful, this can be a good indicator that a boundary has been crossed or where you don’t have one when you actually need one.

Tap into your emotions – what are you feeling? Where are you feeling like someone is taking advantage of you? Where are you feeling most anger or resentment? Is this showing you a boundary that has been crossed or an area that you need to put one in place (and communicate it).

4. Rest & rejuvenation

We live in a world that values ‘doing’ over ‘being’. That values action over rest and prizes productivity above all else.  We’ve becomed so conditioned to this that if we do slow down and rest, words like lazy can start to creep in.

Before you can rest and replenish, you have to give yourself the permission to do things differently. To allow yourself to go against the social conditioning that slowing down equals laziness.

Rest doesn’t have to mean sleep (although it absolutely can!). Rest can mean popping on a movie and having quiet time with your kids; lying down with your legs up against a wall; saying no to an activity or event or not trying to tick everything off your to-do list.

It’s ok to slow down, rest and replenish – for it’s when we rest, we rise.

5. Reconnect with your body

When was the last time you turned inward and truly listened to what your body was telling you?

We are so often taught to look outwards, to value the opinion of others and of experts, that we forget the power of our own intuition and the wisdom of our body.  

Try connecting with your body through

• mindful movement such as yoga, tai-chi, dancing or simply being barefoot outside.
• a body-scan, starting at the top of your head, working all the way to your toes, noticing any sensations as you move down.
• self-soothing activities like giving yourself a hug or holding your face gently in your hands

6. Connection

They say it takes a village to raise a child, but the truth is it takes a village. Period.

As a species, humans are designed to be around others, to be a part of a tribe. Yet, at a time when we need the most connection, being a mum can be isolating – and often it feels like everything become about the kids.

You deserve a village. A listening ear. An invitation to be listened to, without judgment or unsolicitated advice. A space where you can truly be heard, witnessed and held. A space where you can connect with others and have your needs met.

Call that friend you haven’t spoken to in ages or book a date night with your partner (one where you switch your phones off) and spend time (re)connecting with others.

So next time you find yourself saying you don’t have time for self care, remember self-care for busy mums doesn’t to start with yoga classes or day spas. Self-care for busy mums starts with showing yourself loving kindness, setting boundaries and looking after your energy, honouring your body and connecting with yourself and others.

Kate Vivian is an intuitive life, mindset and mastrescence coach, and mum of three, supporting women to stop caring what others think and start living the life they’ve always wanted.. A Mama Rising Facilitator, Motherhood studies practitioner, and recovering ‘good girl’ Kate is on a mission to help women rewrite the rulebook on what it means to show up in the world as a woman and a mother – and more importantly, as themselves.

Kate creates a space for women where they can feel safe to take risks, to dream big and to show up as authentically them. No BS required. A space where women can reclaim their innate worth, reconnect with themselves and reimagine their lives,

When Kate’s not supporting mums or mums-to-be, you’ll probably find her drooling over recipes she never has time to cook, chucking weights around at the gym or chowing down on some chocolate (because it’s all about balance – right??).