The invisibility of motherhood doesn’t just start when you become a mum.

It starts well before then and can impact so much of your journey into motherhood.

The invisibility of motherhood is hearing ‘so, when are you going to start having children?’ with the presumption that every woman wants to, and can become, a mother.

The invisibility of motherhood  is a legislation that determines when a woman can have an abortion without giving any consideration to what happens once that child comes into the world.

The invisibility of motherhood starts with the often hidden struggles that can come with conceiving a baby. The hidden tears, the half-smiles hiding the pain that comes anytime someone asks ‘so, when’s it your turn to have children’ or ‘don’t you want kids?’.

The invisibility of motherhood starts with hiding pregnancy for the first 12 weeks, not announcing pregnancy for fear that the pregnancy ends with a loss. We keep it quiet, at a time when we need the support the most, we keep it quiet.

The invisibility of motherhood starts with pregnancy loss spoken about in shushed tones, kept quiet. The invisibility of motherhood tells women ‘at least you know you can fall pregnant’ and ‘you can always try again’. That her grief, her emotional needs and the need for support don’t matter.

The invisibility of motherhood starts with pregnancy, when a woman is spoken about in terms of ‘risk’ being categorised as ‘high risk’ or ‘low risk, defined in terms of a population, not as the woman she is.

The invisibility of motherhood starts during labour and birth when a woman’s needs, wants and desires for birth are deemed not as important as ‘guidelines’ or policy.

The invisibility of motherhood starts when a woman is expected not to challenge, not to question during her pregnancy, labour or birth, rather just be compliant and doing what she is told.

The invisibility of motherhood starts when we minimise a woman’s birth experience, telling her that ‘at least you have a healthy baby and that’s all that matters’.

The invisibility of motherhood is there when she brings her baby home, swollen, sore, exhausted and is expected to get on with it. When everyone asks ‘how’s the baby’ but rarely ‘ how are you?’

The invisibility of motherhood is when we minimise her need for recovery, rest, nourishment and support, instead expecting her to be a good host and to bounce back.

The invisibility of motherhood tells a woman she’s ‘a mum now’ and that’s what’s most important, minimising all that she is, all who she is, to one title, one identity – a mum.

The invisibility of motherhood is being expected to work like you don’t have children and mother like you don’t have a job.

The invisibility of motherhood starts when you’re expected to self-sacrifice, to give your everything – your body, your time, your emotions, to meet the needs of your family while constantly putting yourself last.

The invisibility of motherhood is how much pressure society puts on women to do it all and be it all – expecting her to be supermum, but without any support, without the village and without the societal infrastructure to support her.

The invisibility of motherhood is real and it starts well before motherhood.

It’s time to step out of the invisibility of motherhood

If you’ve felt the invisibility of motherhood, you’re not alone. It’s a common experience. But a common experience doesn’t mean it has to keep being YOUR experience. Ready for a different experience? It’s time to step out of the invisiblity of motherhood, rediscover yourself and reclaim your worth with 1:1 coaching and support. Your deserve it. 

The above is a piece I wrote for Motherly

Kate Vivian is an intuitive life, mindset and mastrescence coach, and mum of three, supporting women to stop caring what others think and start living the life they’ve always wanted.. A Mama Rising Facilitator, Motherhood studies practitioner, and recovering ‘good girl’ Kate is on a mission to help women rewrite the rulebook on what it means to show up in the world as a woman and a mother – and more importantly, as themselves.

Kate creates a space for women where they can feel safe to take risks, to dream big and to show up as authentically them. No BS required. A space where women can reclaim their innate worth, reconnect with themselves and reimagine their lives,

When Kate’s not supporting mums or mums-to-be, you’ll probably find her drooling over recipes she never has time to cook, chucking weights around at the gym or chowing down on some chocolate (because it’s all about balance – right??).